Be more personal & let jokes breathe

Comedy feedback with Walter

Oct 29, 2024

I recently did a call for comedy bits to my paid subscribers, and I will try and give feedback in this section “Comedy Feedback”

Subscriber

Walter Vincent

sent me this message:

I have a bit that I’ve been using that works but I wonder if it could be explored more. Feel free to use it for an article if you feel it would be helpful!

Headline:

Mother disappointed after son goes to hell after losing in the semi finals afterlife spelling bee. Blames technology.

A minimalistic line drawing of Jesus participating in a spelling bee. Jesus stands calmly with a microphone, wearing a gentle expression, with a name tag that says 'Jesus.' The scene includes simple elements like a small stage, a few other contestants waiting, and a banner above that reads 'Spelling Bee.' The drawing style is naive and playful, with clean, continuous lines and minimal details. Black and white, with a lighthearted and friendly tone. — My buddy ChatGPT is doing some heavy lifting today

Walter’s bit

I was raised Catholic
Anyone else?
Anyone else’s
Mother beat the living shit out them
for Jesus?
Because Jesus hates little boys who can’t spell good
every devout Catholic knows that.
They know that’s how you’ll ultimately be judged
On your ability
to sound it out
St. Peter outside the pearly gates
Running the 2024th annual afterlife spelling bee.

I really like the attitude of this bit and what it’s about, Walter says it works consistently well up to “Jesus hates little boys who can’t spell good”.
To improve it I think it could use being more personal, and explored in more detail.

Get more personal

See, Nate Bargatze agrees with me!

For something to be funny it needs to follow the formula

Relatability + Surprise = Funny

Even Christianity isn’t a relateable subject to most people, even Christians. Sure everyone knows the stories more or less but it’s always peoples emotions that make a story or joke really engaging. Bare in mind, that could be the emotions of Jesus or a preacher or anyone in the story. I think Walter could write a more relateable joke if it was more personal, and focused more on the people in the joke.

Don’t ask questions if you don’t care about the answer

I don’t like questions when we don’t care about the answer. It means we’re wasting time and focus before we get into the joke. I know it feels good when the audience cheers (because you told them to), but really you want them to be going HAHAHAH! (because they feel compelled to). Asking questions is like asking permission to be funny. No, you tell that crowd what is funny!
But also I’m not seeing how Walter works the crowd on stage so maybe he has a whole going on.

I love that Walter is using headlines! I love to see my techniques put to good use.

More about headlines:

This editing technique is guaranteed to instantly make you the best comedian in the world

Caroline Clifford

July 11, 2023

Read full story

One joke at a time

Also don't be afraid to section your bits into several headlines. My feeling is that Walter is trying to say too much in a short space, and it could be unpacked and explored more.

Let’s try a re-write

So I’m going to dive into a re-write with more exploration, and more of a focus on the people. And after we’ve laid the groundwork, we can be as silly as we like.

Obviously I'm writing this without knowing Walters mother, I'm just doing a caricature of “religious American mother”. Also all my Catholic knowledge comes from chatGPT, so I'm sure Walter could come up with some better specifics from his own life.

Heading: My mom used her faith as an excuse for beating me up for being dumb

My mother is super Catholic. And I was super bad at school. So of course she used her faith in Jesus and the good word of the Bible to empathize with my struggle and my the inner beauty within…
Nope! She beat the crap out of me!
(Slap) You brain-dead idiot (Slap) you always embarrass me (Slap) which is spelt double r double s by the way (Prayer hands) Amen, praise Jesus.

Heading: If my mum was in charge spelling would have been a much bigger deal in the Bible

Yeah my mom was obsessed with me spelling things correctly but there’s no mention of spelling in the bible
(preacher voice) And lo, it came to pass that Walter, a peasant of humble estate, wrestled daily with his letters. One day a voice like thunder spoke from the heavens, saying, “I before E except after C… and but not ‘science’ or ‘ancient’ or ‘efficient’ or ‘species’… and Sword has a W in it for some reason… and do you want some Wor-cest-tur Woo-scter Wur-chester Sauce, no.
Anyway… with a steady hand, Jesus guided him, and the letters became true. And Walter was saved. Yadda yadda, The end, praise Autocorrect. Eat more protein. Hallelujah - try and spell that fucking word. Amen.
Imagine not being able to get into heaven because your spelling sucks
“I see here you fed the poor, and never took off your shoes on a plane, and turned off peoples bike lights - ohh but you couldn’t spell successfully - well BYE! (pull lever, fall to hell) Noooo!
Enjoy being teabagged by satans firey sack you dyslexic fuck!

Let me know if you prefer my act-out style or Walter’s more sharp and to the point style for the joke. I think both have merit.

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