Cut the waffle and focus on the funny. Comedy Feedback with Zach
Sorry ma'am you can't bring that bag of needles in here
I’ve started splitting my Substack in to sections. There’s “Creating Comedy” where I’'m posting all of the articles and exercises designed specifically to help you… create comedy. Then there’s this section “Comedy Feedback” which will focused on giving people feedback on their comedy.
Thanks to subscriber Zach for sending me he comedy for me to dissect. All aboard the notes train! Chugga-chugga-chugga NOTES! NOTES! 🚂
Here’s the first bit he sent me
On Saturday I went to the courthouse with my 70-year old Mom nearly got us arrested. I rode with her to get a mental inquest form for my older brother, who had a heroin relapse. We walked into the courthouse and it's empty except for 5 sheriffs. I walked through the metal detector fine. My mom walks through, it goes off and the sheriffs ask to look in her bag. They pull out a smaller bag which was full of syringes/needles… is what my 70-year-old mother brought into the courthouse. The sheriff says “ma’am.. We’re gonna hold these right here for you until you get back.” I was like “what..the..fuck.” That’s how court works!? You can just walk up in there like “excuse me officer of the law, hold this lit cigarette and bag of syringes/needles, I gotta go see the judge real quick.” No!
From Zach: I put the part in bold that pretty consistently gets a good laugh. All of the other parts feel like an absolute sludge to get through. Maybe this is too personal. I don't want to be getting a laugh at the expense of my family, especially my brother's addiction, though. So maybe I should just cut this out entirely? The last piece does feel hilarious to me, but I don't know how to just have that funny part without the beginning components of it. Again, maybe it's just too personal/confessional. I don't wanna be the comic up there having my own therapy session.
Throw Momma Under The Bus
Throwing family under the bus for a few cheap laughs can feel bad, and when you feel bad about telling a joke your audience can tell. It could be that this is too complex an issue for a newcomer to address. However, I think the subject is very very good. As long as Zach makes it about him and his feelings, then he doesn’t need to feel bad. That’s right Zach, your feelings aren’t real. JK what the hell do I know it’s not my family. Perhaps the fact Zach doesn’t want to talk about this can be part of the joke?
Waffles are for brunch
Zach is bang on about the joke, the first part is all exposition and waffle. We absolutely don’t need all this setup to understand the premise. You’d be amazed at how much you can leave out of a joke and it still works. You can change little facts here and there just to make it more concise, the audience don’t care because they don’t know the real story and it kind of doesn’t matter, only the funny part matters. Editorialising isn’t the same as lying, lying is where you are making key facts up and the audience will be able to tell.
You’d be amazed at how much you can leave out of a joke and it still works
The first step in creating comedy from a real-life moment is to ask what is this about? EG What is the message I am trying to covey to my audience? If this bit was only a heading, would people click-through to read the article?
A solid heading seems to be:
You can bring a whole bag of syringes to court and they don’t care.
Attempting to write the joke lead me to another more specific headline
Courthouses don’t let you bring “outside heroin”
These are the only important components in this premise don’t you agree? The amount of sheriffs, who has the needles, the heroin addiction, the fact that the bag has a smaller bag in it - none of this information serves the headline. I’m all for table setting, but this is comedy. If the table isn’t hilarious then we’ll eat off the floor.
Here is my first attempt at a rewrite:
Did you know you can bring a whole bag of heroin syringes to court and they don’t care? Don’t ask how I know this (whispering) “My brother’s a junkie”. Just a whole bag of syringes - for heroin and the Sheriff is like “You can’t take those in to court”
(me) “Officer this is so embarrassing, I tell him all the time. Don’t take your big bag of junkie doo-dahs to court, but he just cried and cried and wouldn’t get in the car. You know how junkies can be”
(officer) ”Oh this is a common mistake and I apologise if I was unclear - He can’t take them IN to the court, he can have them back later”
What is going on in there?
Is the judge selling heroin and you don’t let people bring in outside heroin?
Lol I can’t think of a good ending for this bit - but I hope you enjoyed what I came up with so far. I hope it proves a point that knowing the focal point for a joke can really help you write and edit it.
Show Plugs Berlin
Tonight Thursday 16.05.24 @ 8pm I’ll be performing a monoscene with Mum’s Gone To Iceland - at Truth Night - Link
At 9.30pm I’ll be performing an armando with Action Jackson - LinkFriday 17.05.24 @ 9.30pm I’ll be performing a road trip with Roadkill - Link
At 11pm I’ll be performing a never performed stand-up set at No Joke - LinkSaturday 18.05.24 @ 8pm I’ll be performing improv with LGBTQIA+CCB - Link
At 9.30pm I’ll be performing an improvised variety show with It’s That Time Of The Month - Link
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I do 1 on 1 classes and coaching sessions for stand-up comedians - Email
My Spring In-person Stand-up classes are sold out but join a waiting list here - Link
World Wide Web Plugs
Berlin Stand-Up School - berlinstandupschool.com
Linktree - carolineclifford.com
That “outside heroin” idea seems like the perfect example of how to turn an amusing situation into a functioning punchline