The 7 deadly cringes of stand-up comedy

I can't stress enough how much I hate coming up with titles, subtitles even more so

One of the things that makes stand-up such a popular art-form is that it’s typically uncensored, despite what red faced reactionaries might think. So I feel a bit like what Dan Harmon would call a “Threshold guardian” by stating any rules, but here are some things I have regularly seen tank people’s acts.

1. Blaming the audience
   Other than extreme circumstances, E.G. there’s a fire, or your audience are facing the other way, you can never blame the audience for a bad gig. And never ever call them out on stage. What are you actually going to achieve? “Ah yes, we are fools and have seen the error of our ways. You are indeed the funniest person alive!”. Turning on your audience is always the last resort of someone who feels like they are bombing and it’s certain to finish you off.
   
   A sobering thought that you can’t deny, is if a much more experienced comedian were to play in that room - they would kill. So rather than blame the audience, think what you could do better next time.
   

   

   Generally you’re not doing as badly as you think, or maybe the audience aren’t the LOL type. There’s nothing to be gained from telling the audience they aren’t good at laughing.

   
   Even little comments like “You’re a quiet bunch” or “this usually kills” only serve the purpose of highlighting your own failure, and your lack of self-awareness.
   

2. Telling the audience you are going to be bad
   Under this heading goes saying you’re drunk, high, tired, unprepared or just shit. it might seem like a jolly little bit of self-deprecation, but it’s actually really disrespectful to your audience, It’s also not funny. You’re saying to your audience “I don’t care about you, or respect you - and I have taken this time away from a comedian who deserves to be here more”.

   You might get a giggle of recognition or pity, but you’ll be digging yourself in to a hole before you start. Imagine if your dentist said “Sorry I got really smashed last night” before starting your root canal. You might think it’s not the same thing because stand-up is for edgy rebels, but people still want it to be good!
   

3. Getting drunk/high before a show

   

   Most stand-up professionals are sober, and it’s not by accident. Stand-up is a job where you’re performing late night in bars, it’s a pretty easy situation to get smashed every night. You might think you’re a better performer a little loose, but how sustainable is that in the long run? Flash forward to doing 3 shows a night every night. Eventually you’re going to have a substance problem if you *need* to get buzzed, so you’d better figure out how you can do this sober(ish). Also, it looks really unprofessional if you’re turning up to shows visibly inebriated.
   

4. Disrespecting the show, the venue or the host
   I get it, some comedy shows are awful to perform at. The host is late and stoned, the equipment sucks, the audience are facing the wrong way. If you can find a charming and hilarious way to satirise the event then go for it. Otherwise you’re making a statement that you’re too good to be there, and if you’re there then you ain’t. You made a choice to do this gig, and at least you get to do a show! Think of the poor audience, if there is one. Just do the gig to the best of your ability, and and talk shit about the show to your mates later.

5. Talking about how much you’re (not) getting paid
   Most open-mics won’t pay you, and that’s because they are providing you a service - not the other way around. I get if you are spiritually opposed to that, then don’t do those shows. If money is very important to you then make sure you have it all sorted out before you take a gig. Don’t ever whinge to your audience on stage about how much you are or aren’t getting paid! It might seem whimsical in this uber-honesty kind of way, but it’s deeply unprofessional. The host will hate it, and it’s another way of telling the audience the show/you are bad.

   If you’re going to talk about money on stage then own the shit out of it like Maria Bamford!
   

6. Doing pointless crowd-work
   When comedians are great at crowd-work, it’s very impressive. They can build new stories in to their set and connect members of the audience to themselves and each other. Crowd-work only works if you have a genuine interest in what the audience thinks, and are willing to use their response to build a new routine in to your set. A lot of people think asking the crowd questions makes an energetic segue between bits, but it comes across as cheap if it doesn’t go anyway, and it’s irritating to the audience. Avoid empty crowdrowk questions like “Is everyone having a good time?” “Do you want to hear a joke about X or Y?” “Who here likes hats?”

   

   Yes, I like hats. But I prefer jokes.

7. Racially awkward accents
   Sometimes I wonder if this is something that just upsets white people? After all everyone has the right to be part of a joke, and it’s condescending to say “You’re too fragile for this type of humour”. A white person doing POC accents will always sound like bullying to me. In most cases the accent you are going to choose is the most stereotypical accent, the one a racist would also choose. Of course some people are really good at accents, they lived in the country and get the whole nuance. But it’s always going to be vaguely unsettling. I personally know stand-ups that have found loop-holes to doing terribly racist sounding accents, their thinking is that they are turning it around on the racist. I don’t get it! You’re still doing the bullying voice, surely you can just write some better jokes? This all folds neatly in to the subject of punching down but that is a whole other article.